I couldn't sleep!

I figured out the reason why I didn't feel like going to church. Insecurity was just a minor problem to sustain the huge problem I have. I just feel so lost and lonely while I am in the church now. After I join those brothers for some Friday night thingy, I began to feel that I'm getting lonelier each time. Didn't have the time to talk to you much. Sigh. I'm a type of person who will just compliant to any requests you state if it doesn't go against my will. Sometimes it does, I will still give a yes just not to disappoint the person. Now I felt like I'm stuck in a maze which is filled with darkness. Didn't have the light to guide me out of this maze that I'm trapped in. You used to be the light that guide me along to any obstacles. Without you, I'm totally lost lost lost. When you asked me to sit with them, i actually have the urge to say no. But If i do so, you will definitely ask me why. So to prevent that to happen, I just agree to your request. Sometimes I just don't wanna put you in a difficult position. So now I choose to avoid. Maybe it would not be the best solution. But there's nothing I can do about it. I just feel so uncomfortable with them. Is just like outsiders who wanna guide me out of this maze which I don't even trust. I just don't trust them enough yet. I just need a friend to be there. Maybe in your shoes it might be a good way to put me with them, so that i can mix around with them in order to bond well. But I doubt it will work well. Is like putting two strangers together and you expect them to talk like they knew for years. That's just so impossible. I tried talking with them. I just feel I'm the odd one out. cause I don't feel that I'm part of them. We just don't know each other long each to chat. If I will be left in the church alone w them and w/o you, I will just leave. I just can't stand the tension that it gave me. I will srsly go bonkers. It isn't like what you said that I wanna come then come. It won't be just that simple. I won't use it as a reason to be excuse. Hopefully you will understand. I just need a timeout.